他们俩

she wants to wear this dirty shabby dress 7 day/week,24 hour/day. Finally she peed on it and ruin it, then gave it up.

下雪天我们刚从外面玩了回来。

又是一个雪夜

有时候半夜醒来，我会想很多事。可能现在每天要早起送孩子上学，睡眠不足，我很少半夜醒来，有时候是被铲雪的声音吵醒。

这时候我会想很多事。

也许是年龄慢慢大了的缘故，想到一些本能让我高兴，愤怒，尴尬，悲痛。。。各种激发情绪的事情，我只是觉得淡然。年龄大了人的神经就变得粗线条了吗？我不知道，我只知道那些本能让我有情绪的事情，现在对我的影响则是花多少时间想它们。

我竖起耳朵听隔壁房间的声音，还有身旁熟睡的vivi。他们白天在学校里的表现与待遇直接影响着他们的心情，甚至说梦话也会笑或者嚷嚷。如果他们不开心，我的情绪就直接受了影响。

我在想史铁生，想他的一生。他离世已经21天了。他没有离世跟我的干系也不大，我并没有读遍所有他的著作。命运是公平的吗？当然不是，否则让他在21岁的年龄突然双腿残疾？他后来的生活疾病缠身，最后的几年里每天的生活内容就是血液透析，睡眠，间或有一点点清醒地时间则用来写作。他肯定思考过，他宁愿做一个双腿健全的什么都不想的俗人，也不要命运的残酷催发出的这些落实成文字已经影响到一些后人的思想。

又想到白天在时代杂志上看到的那位美国医疗救援队的医生，在海地帮助救助当地的伤员。

又想到他，想到我们在一起的那一夜，他用手抚摸我的后背。

这很有效，我开始慢慢睡着了。

奶奶的星---纪念作家史铁生

如果你曾经关注过一些在某些领域有所建树的人，后来他慢慢的移出你的视线，悄无声息的从你的生活中消失。几年，十几年，你都不怎么再去留意他。忽然有一天，从新闻报纸的一角，你不经意的瞥见了一个似曾相识的名字，他的作品忽然又火热起来，你再定睛一看，那有可能就看到了他已驾鹤西去的消息。

这是多少次同样的直觉经过验证在我这里成为一种经验，也是必然的经验，正如史铁生说的，死是必然降临的节日，怎么耽误都错过不了的事。

可是死对于一些人是多么轻松的事，因为生的艰难。

因为生的艰难，一些人对于死的体验多么的切身剔骨般。而对于大多数人，每夜睡去每日醒来，不会也不愿意想到死亡就在过道里耐心的等着，那些离我们比柴米油盐，工作赚钱和娱乐消遣更远，我们必须要抓住的是眼前的美好。

最初读到史铁生的小说，那是很久很久以前的事了，我还没有上初中。我是个书迷，早早的戴上了近视镜，（我还没有上二年级就戴上了眼镜，被学校里的小屁孩叫四眼狗，眼镜蛇，那时候很少有戴眼镜的小学生，有段时间因此不愿意上学。）父亲每个学期为我从学校里订阅两份报纸，然后从医院里订人民文学，小说月报之类的大人看的杂志。就是那个时候我大量的接触那个时代比较流行的伤痕文学。史铁生发表的小说，奶奶的星，让我入迷，一遍一遍的从他的文字里去触摸我还不曾身有体会的人事故事，感人的部分我会落泪，刻骨铭心的记在心理，成了那个娱乐很少的年代丰富我心灵世界的不得忽视的部分。

那个时代的东西如今不再有。

奶奶的星星

世界给我的第一个记忆是：我躺在奶奶怀里，拼命地哭，打着挺
儿，也不知道是为了什么，哭得好伤心。窗外的山墙上剥落了一块灰
皮，形状象个难看的老头儿。奶奶搂着我，拍着我，“噢——，噢——”
地哼着。我倒更觉得委屈起来。“你听！”奶奶忽然说：“你快听，
听见了么……？”我愣愣地听，不哭了，听见了一种美妙的声音，飘
飘的、缓缓的……。是鸽哨儿？是秋风？是落叶划过屋檐？或者，只
是奶奶在轻轻地哼唱？直到现在我还是说不清。“噢噢——，睡觉吧，
麻猴来了我打它……”那是奶奶的催眠曲。屋顶上有一片晃动的光影，
是水盆里的水反射的阳光。光影也那么飘飘的、缓缓的，变幻成和平
的梦境，我在奶奶怀里安稳地睡熟……
我是奶奶带大的。不知有多少人当着我的面对奶奶说过：“奶奶
带起来的，长大了也忘不了奶奶。”那时候我懂些事了，趴在奶奶膝
头，用小眼睛瞪那些说话的人，心想：瞧你那讨厌样儿吧！翻译成孩
子还不能掌握的语言就是：这话用你说么？
奶奶愈紧地把我搂在怀里，笑笑：“等不到那会儿哟！”仿佛已
经满足了的样子。

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A Sound Like Someone Trying Not to Make a Sound

I got this from drama The door in the floor, in which the male charactor Ted read his daughter the story named A sound like someone trying not to make a sound. He is a children book author,and an artist. His marriage was in shambles after his two sons were killed in an accident that caused his wife Marion overwhelmingly depressed. He constantly slept some women he invited home as models.Meanwhile Marion had an affair with his assistant whom he hired mostly to drive for him.

This movie catches me first from the quote of this sentence. I like all message-implied sentence. A sound like someone trying not to make a sound. Well, what you get? That already turns on my imagination on some sneaker maybe just a cautious person, some tip-toe steps, un-latched door, something unexpected is happening......


Yes, in this movie, something happened as expected. Ted's wife left home in the end, taking away all the pictures of their sons.Those pictures were supposed to be all the memory for the only kid left in this family,their young daugter,to have and remeber her passed-away brothers.

And one day,during his routine messy daily life,the mental-distorted artist suddenly jumped himself into the door in the floor of his painting room. What happened? No idea, but that ends the story.

It turns out that there does exist a children book with this name, as I searched. This story itself doesn't allure me as much as its beatiful scene set, the color of the sea, the sound of waves, the house build in shingles, most of all, the lights the director use to adjust the mood and tune. It natually brings out sad-some, awkward-some,desparate-some, maybe lousy-some air. But I think that is the way to make this movie beautiful.

It sounds like it was set at somewhere close to where I live. It is in long island. And the story was based on a best-selling novel named A widow for one year by John Irving.

A haunting melody

Jim Brickman Jesu



I can't find another place to take and put this song to public for Free, except Xia Mi. But it does not allow auto-play.

This famous song was interpreted by Jim Brickman,a top young pianist of US, in a special way. I like its pace, passing me peace and elegancy.

Snow season

Bebe always has a lot of fun in snow. He never gets tired of it. He can sit in this kind of snowbord go straight down to the bottom of the hill. I can't do it. The far front view is the big sports field of this area. We will miss this good snowboard play area once we leave here.
She is longing for snow, but dare not to play snowboard with her brother. This little chick.

有时候我感觉有些愚蠢

大多数男人，如果不是精神科大夫和社会工作者，他们只愿意从一个女人身上看到美好的一面，妩媚，青春，性感，可爱，挑逗，风骚，聪颖，浪漫，天真。。。甚至痴情。仅此而已。

他们不愿意看到你黯然失色的样子。你更休想向他们诉苦。

可时间正将你身上光华的皮毛一点一点的夺走，你的生命中那些灰色的寂寞的东西越来越多，正逐渐慢慢的侵占那些鲜艳的色彩。这是自然规律。

我想像不出真正拥有一个男人是什么感觉，就是他心甘情愿的付出，不是什么大不了的付出，只是心有所属，有所牵挂，为了你。

我永远都不可能有这种感觉，因为我从来都感觉自己和任何人都保持着距离。

如果我们的社会不发生灾难性的变化，战争，瘟疫，亦或前所未有的威胁整个人类的外侵。我们可能意识不到我们正活在一个理想世界里。我们所有能做的事就是尝试以一种充满满足感的方式变老。

Blog creating is a luxury

I am having my breakfast, actually brunch, and waiting the cell phone will ring at anytime. I found some agents to help me with some single family house in another part of this town where we get easier to get to beach and highway. Also the school is top this state. If I am lucky, I will find a nice house before summer and arrange bebe's transfer, after school and vivi's new preschool. Then, vivi's piano and ballet class, bebe's guitar class, their summer camp..... that is huge work to me.

I start to get used to the life that this family all counts on me. Before this, I was suffering in the frustration of being helpless. I got bunch of heavy bags of grocery stuff and lift them into the kitchen little by little, we have no big man for this.

The trip to FL encourages me, I start to consider applying US passport next year for more convenience of traveling abroad. I can only take my kids further and further away. When they see things different than their expectation, that is what travel and means for. I can feel we are always on the way.

I should thank Caffee, the wonderful plant which can produce caffein , which makes me always highly alert and energetic for the whole day. Otherwise I will fell asleep during the talk with the school teacher.

Thank Pandora, the world's greatest Internet music radio which always flow out beautiful rhythm to sooth my soul. I am alone but don't feel lonely at all.

And gym time....

I feel my life is simple and beautiful.

Time at Fort Myers

基本上我们就在这块象拉直的海马形状的岛屿上活动。黑线是南北贯通的唯一一条马路。我们到达的晚上是圣诞平安夜，我开着租来的车子拉着他们两个，连绵的公路两旁要么是住家要么是旅馆，多半张灯结彩。旅途的劳顿一下被热带地区不一样的风景冲淡了，我们很想马上就冲去海滩。海被黑夜掩盖着，我们看不到， 但离我们只有几米之隔。

可能我习惯旅行，从家里到附近的小机场，三个小时的飞行，下了机租车公司来接，然后大概40分钟到租车公司，再到我们住的旅馆，我感觉一切都很顺利。一只手拿着iphone看地图，一只手握方向盘。地址比我想象的要简单。在纽约附近拥挤的环境下训练有素了，在佛罗里达这种地广人稀的地方，开车停车太容易。

At airport, they played IPAD. Ipad is really good for children studying, they learn shapes, colors, math, words,even I take that for storybooks. But it is hard to pull them out, so how to use it as benifit, instead of getting addiced to it, is very important for kids to protect their eyes and develop their brains.

Bebe gets more naturally than before, meanwhile Vivi will take any chance making mops whenever she realizes a camera facing her.

麻雀虽小五脏俱全，吃饭的家什虽然简陋我已经非常知足了。本来以为既然出来了，要尝遍附近的美食，厨房大多数时候是摆设，可第一天我们就非要自己开伙不可。圣诞夜到处都关门，等我们安顿好了一切，已经晚上九点多了。我根本没有心思出去找开着灯的餐馆，更别提带他们去教堂听圣歌了。

我们从便利店7-eleven买了牛奶鸡蛋，回来做韩国方便面。7-11在南方非常普遍，我们所在的这条岛路居然有大概五家。我爱死7-11了，我们晚上从海滩回来，还要走到对面的这个便利店买冰棒，果汁，和buffulo chicken wings。对我来讲，只要生活便利安全的地方，我就喜欢得不得了。

不巧的是我们在南方的将近一个星期六，只有第一天和最后一天的天气适合在海滩上玩耍，冷得时候夜里达到零下一摄氏度。其实这个时候已经凉风起来了，他们第一天在海滩上，兴奋不已，跑跑跳跳。

Fort Myers beach的沙子很细，像灰一样。海水是浅蓝色。这些都和new england地方不同。很早以前我到过south east of florida,

I rent this kind of beach chair for $11/day, thanks GOD I didn't do the one-week deal. The tempreture sharply dropped down the next day. Actually the wind started to get cold at that afternoon. The couple sitting next to me were smart enough to fetch the hotel blankets.

Popcorn time. I consider popcorn junk food before. But according to Bebe's school nutrition chart, it actually is health food, of course not too much EXTRA butter.

When they smile, the flowers of my heart blossom.:)

At Fort Myers beach, actually it seems for all the beaches in south part of the country like Florida, the sand is thin as ash, and the sea is light between blue and green. Those are different from what we have in New England beaches where the sand is sometimes like mixed little tiny stones and the sea is like wine dark blue.

But the sea birds look always the same. They always keep distance to people when we try to approach them. When we lost attention, they seems to be aound everywhere for all the time.

I gain a lot of weight for losing control to eat and no time for exercise. News paper says holiday fat is easy to gain and hard to lose. You spend a couple of days to get about 5lb, but you might spend even 1 month to lose them.

Therefore, good body shaps are always for people who have strong will and are persistent.

因为天气的缘故，我们总共在海滩上的时间并不长，以至于现在回忆起来，最先想到的是我们在路上开车游走的情景。

The children museum in this city. We came on Sunday when it open from 12 pm. So we had to wait outside for half hour. This museum is tiny,and not bright enough.But they have a lot of educational stuff in their hands-on activity department. Bebe and vivi did enjoy and have fun.

I love to take them here.

The museum is in downtown. We drove out of beach island through the north bridge.

Because of coldness and short of prepared shoes, I wore this UGG warm shoes which supposed to show up in some place where there is REAL winter. I didn't see anybody wearing so warm. Even somebody stared at my feet.But nobody knew me. I don't care.

The third day we went to King Richard. Not a good place. It is only for fun. Most attraction for bigger kids, but I still purchased the expensive ticket for Vivi. Here she drove the car and got stuck there and didn't know how to control at all. The assistant helped her and stopped her at the first round. But she was very happy, because a BOY helped her. She loves boys.

Bebe是个冒险家，他玩得这类刺激的活动我不敢玩，这种让人有失重感的游戏。我玩一次吓得不得了，他却一次有一次去排队。他喜欢滑雪，两岁多从很高的斜坡上下来，他没有问题。

Vivi不懂非要玩，上去就吓哭了。那是两个月前在我家附近的一个游乐场。从此以后她每次都要念叨，我不要玩上下上下，上下上下不好玩。

Bebe还嫌它不够高不够快。我真担心他长大了会喜欢什么样的危险的活动。他在这类活动中算刚刚符合身高要求的，坐在高个子们中间像个小不点。

Kings Richard游乐场在Naples，Fort Myers南部20迈左右，也是个美丽的海滨小镇。我们本来是要来这里，后来我发现Fort Myers有个很大的机场，而且hotel更容易订才临时改计划。

Vivi是个惹人喜爱的小姑娘，她淘气，可爱，充满灵气。我记得生下她的那一刻，护士把她包好，抱到我身边。她抹了cream的眼睛紧闭成一条长线，小手攥紧手指明显比哥哥的细长。

她现在越来越漂亮。有时候我会禁不住凝视她，在红灯的时候转过头看她，被她可爱的模样吸引。她的鼓起的饱满的额头，柔顺的毛发凌乱的散着。有时候她睡下不久我还在看电视，她就悄悄跑进房间，爬到我的床上，我赶紧掀开被子欢迎她。

在去The shell factory的路上，我们需要途径一所大桥，可我在这里迷了路，刚好附近有一个play ground,他们已经在车上待烦了。干脆我们就先下来玩一玩。

The shell factory, they both want to reach out their head from the bottom hole. The other two are too tall.

The day we went to Shell Factory, eating at the famous restaurant The Fishbones. I searched on google about ZAGAT rated restaurants near this area, and it turns out some good and bad comments on very limited restaurants. But fishbones is nice one, just as those reviews. They has very tender fishsticks for kids, the new England claim chowder is so so, the mixed juice cocktail is great. The cost is mild.

You can see this beatiful sunset here every sunny day.

懂事的bebe，larry是他的英文名字。因为我的脾气不好，他居然变得有些世故，看到我拉下脸来他会自觉去劝说妹妹。他特地嘱咐好几次，要给mrs Riely，他的老师买一个大的海螺，他看到有同学送老师很小的贝壳。所以他要送大的。

从我们的房间走到海滩会经过一个很小的泳池，对面有个outdoors bar，有live music，很响的效果，水平很专业。如果不是带小孩子的话我会有心要上一杯什么喝的坐一坐。

打十八个洞很便宜，她的儿童杆就便宜得像白送。她只是用这个红红的小棍推，推进洞里就说赢了。

Bebe (Larry) has good sense on golf. He even have a "one" mark on these 18 holes, and many "2" also. But sometimes his attitude is not good, keep pushing. So I yelled at him, making other people looking at me. " what a mom you are?,it is just for fun, relax!" that is the way they seemed to tell me.:)

The shells our next door collected.

Walking to beach by bare feet.

他们是一对很有感情的兄妹。我冲一个发火，另外一个会求情。当然会吵架打闹，每次我说你们再吵我就上楼自己睡觉，他们马上安静了。

right out side of our room, it is not with ocean view, but very close to parking and office. We love here. It is not as expensive as those star hotel, but it is really clean and convenient. It is attached with a kitchen, that helped me a lot at christmas eve, since most restaurants were closed and we couldn't find a place to eat.